I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
