So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
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