If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
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