did you get engaged???
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
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