as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
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