I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
