when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
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