Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Randomize
