HIV tests are more positive than that guy
I just encouraged Kelsey to make out with some guy for beer so I could take one, does this make me a pimp?
By definition I think it does.
So this is what it feels like to be all that is man.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
