He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
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