Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
Randomize