we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
