I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
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