he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
