i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
Randomize
