I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
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