Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
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