Well douche your snatch and let's go!
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Randomize
