I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
