At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Dick very happy bro
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
