I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Randomize
