My first STD was from a foam party
used his ipod to set the mood...1st song was livin on a prayr 2nd song was disco stick
i expected more from guys that i meet at the jersey shore.
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize