I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Randomize
