Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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