you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Was just grinding with my bio TA. She asked why i wasnt studying
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
Randomize