do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
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