i just wanna soil my oats bro
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
