You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
