We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
