Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
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