I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Randomize
