I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
