i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
As shirtless as possible
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
We smell like vodka and hangover
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