I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
