Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
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