my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
