So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
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