I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
Randomize
