You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
