quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
