I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
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