I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
Randomize