She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Randomize
