You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
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