I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
Randomize
