ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
Is it because I queefed?
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
Randomize
