My underwear smells like fireworks.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
Randomize
