I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
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