An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
