On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
Still dying that you shit outside
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
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