New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
