I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
