You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
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