i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize
