He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I need to sanitize my soul.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Randomize
