Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
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