Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
