I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Randomize
