Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
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