Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
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