The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
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